So You Want To Talk To A Government Agency? You Make Me Laugh!

My husband, Kim, and I were tasked with contacting the Social Security Administration on behalf of his mother. They had sent a letter stating that they didn’t have a current address. They didn’t say a current address for what? Her residence? They sent the letter to her residence. The bank where they have always sent her check? That didn’t change, but they didn’t specify. What they were specific about was that she wouldn’t be getting her social security check until they got that address.

Okay, no problem. We’ll give them a call and get this straightened out. What I didn’t realize was that we were out of our league. We were dealing with a government agency. You remember them? People assigned to work for the people, of the people, and by the people. Right now I’m not even sure they are people!

Naively we called the number provided on the letter. Of course it was automated with two options. We could say the name of the person we were trying to contact, or dial their extension. Nobody signed the letter, and there was no extension listed, but it did clearly say we could call them. We figured if we didn’t do anything the system would be forced to connect us with a person. We figured wrong! It was just an endless loop letting us know of our two options and there was not a third.

Knowing there was more than one way to skin a cat, as they say, I went to their website and found the “Contact Us” option. There I was told they don’t publish the numbers of your local social security office. Why not? Why all the secrecy? What are they working on? This isn’t Area 51 stuff! This is our social security! You know, the little card that allows you to get a job. The agency that takes money out of your paycheck so you can get it back when you retire. Unless of course, you can’t reach them to validate your address, which as you recall, they already have!

Options narrowing, I chose the generic 800 number. Again we were greeted by automation, but this one was hopeful as we were told the call would be monitored. That’s a good indication that at some time we would talk to a human. After stating the reason for our call to the computer, we were told that our wait time for an agent would be approximately 28 minutes! Good thing we don’t have a life! There was a choice to leave our name and number and we would be called back. That sounded more sane.

An hour later we did receive a call back. The computer told us to stay on the line and we’d be connected to an agent. An agent promptly came on the line, or at least I think it was an agent. It was a series of clipped static. You know the kind you’d imagine you’d be receiving if you were communicating with someone on Pluto! This went beyond a bad connection. It wasn’t continuous static, but static where obviously words should have been. Kim kept telling them that he couldn’t hear them; letting them know all we could hear was static, and they needed to call back. Yet the alien static continued in response. We had no idea if they could hear us, but assumed they could not because Kim kept repeating his request for them to call back; that their message was nothing but static, and yet the transmissions continued. He hesitated to hang up for fear they would not call back, but he had no choice. Before Kim could terminate the call on our end we heard the computer come back on the line, asking him to stay on the line to answer survey questions about our call with them today. I nearly flew out of my chair trying to stop Kim from hanging up. I thought at least we could leave a dissatisfied survey, but Kim has no patience for foolishness. He hung up, yet it was impossible not to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

In case you were wondering, there was no call back, though we waited for it. Instead Kim called again in order to get back in line to talk to someone. This time the automated computer asked for his name, the social security number he was calling about, and the reason for his call once again. After Kim gave it to the computer he was informed, “All agents are busy at this time. Please call back”, and with that he was disconnected! If it wasn’t so serious, it would be funny.

Ronald Reagan said the most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” I’m sure about the first part. They are from the government, but here to help? Not likely. So, now what? I don’t know. We can’t seem to get by the computerized centurion at the gate. However, we are not without skills and Yankee ingenuity. It might be time to mobilize the forces and storm the gates. When we do, I wonder “who” or “what” we’ll find behind the curtain of, “Leave your name and number. We’ll call you back”.