Month: August 2016

I have a few family members, and even fewer friends, who try to twist my arm, cajole, or shame me into eating sushi. Not happening! I consider sushi to be a food fad, popular amongst hipsters, and people who like to think they are “cool” for eating raw fish! They eat it like it’s a badge of honor and you’re just not one of the popular kids if you don’t tag along and join in. You know who eats raw fish? Other fish, bears, and eagles. There are more, but the point is, I’m not mentioned here. You know why I don’t eat raw fish? I have fire! Fire allows me to enjoy my fish grilled, fried, baked, smoked, even blackened.

I suggest that people who eat their fish raw are just being lazy! What, you don’t have 10 minutes to fire up the grill, or turn on the stove? “Nope, just pull that yellowfin out of the fridge and drop it on my plate. I’ll eat it raw. I’m just not in the mood to cook.”

I am really perplexed that they will happily pay a chef $15 for slapping a small piece of raw fish on their plate, adding a lime wedge and piece of parsley! Why? He didn’t do anything! There was no careful watching of the flame, no perfect timing in preparation, no marinating, no roasting, no nothing! But, hey, you’re cool! That’s what it’s about, right? It’s gotta be. I don’t like to cook either, but that is carrying things too far!

Most people feel that sushi puts them near enough to the top of the “coolness” pyramid that they can stop there with the raw meat, but a few continue on with the steak tartare. The ones who really want to separate themselves from the pack are those that eat oysters on the half shell. That’s a full-out 10+ on “yuck factor”. Oh, it sounds glamorous, but it’s not. Raw, slimy oysters. Not only is this “delicacy” uncooked, it’s also alive, though I’d imagine not for long, once they’ve been cut from the shell! What are we, barbarians?! Good grief! Some people have been watching too much “Walking Dead”. You’re also suppose to take great care not to lose the sea water that’s in the shell. Really? Just so we’re clear, I don’t think you’re suppose to drink sea water. I love oysters…smoked, served in olive oil, vinegar, and topped with sea salt. You see the difference here?

Don’t even get me started on caviar! Who looked at that and said, “Let’s eat that?” Someone starving, that’s who!  That’s bait! You call it caviar and it costs up to $100 an ounce!!! I’m not kidding! Check out the fishing tackle aisle at Bass Pro. You can pick it up for a fraction. Same stuff, I’m sure of it!

Call me low brow, but I like my food cooked. This is the 21st century! I’m pretty sure we have all sorts of methods at our disposal to prepare food with heat! If you’re too busy to cook your meat before you consume it, I’m going to suggest you need to re-evaluate your schedule and your priorities. Slow down a little, have a glass of wine, enjoy good conversation while you chill out, and learn to grill for heaven’s sake!

Friday I was helping my daughter set up her home office space, which required us to build a fairly large desk that came compactly packaged in two boxes that were deceivingly heavier than they looked, and equally complicated to assemble. The instruction booklet lacked words, instead each step was marked by number and accompanied by a picture. Ancient pictographs were decidedly more detailed!

Turns out I do better with a combination of written instructions and pictures of what it’s suppose to look like. So, in this case, Mariah “read” the instructions, and my job was to hand her the proper piece of wood, if you can call particle board “wood”, along with the appropriate screws, followed by my expert opinion, “I don’t think it goes that way.”

One particular combination was giving us trouble. Mariah needed a better angle at which to see in order to solve the problem. I chose to hold the piece of wood on my head. That height was perfectly in her line of sight, but probably not my brightest idea of the day. The problem arose when she decided she needed to adjust the wooden peg with a hammer! Before I realized what she was doing she tapped that peg, and without warning I had a headache! “Whoops! That was a bad idea. Sorry!” You think!?

I asked Mariah what step we were on? “Three”, she said. “How many steps are there?” “Looks like 18.” Heavy sigh. This was taking forever! I looked around the room as she figured out what goes where and how, when I spied another sleeve of screws and fasteners. “No, no Mariah. There are 27 steps!” and us on step 3. I settled in. It’s going to be awhile.

We’d been at it for hours. I had lost track of how many. It seemed like days. Mariah resolutely continued onward, when I pointed out that she failed to place the bottom of the drawer in position before attaching the sides. “Dagnabbit!” I burst out laughing! “What, you’ve never heard that word before?” Sure I have. When I was eight! I don’t think I’ve heard that word in 50 years. When compared to any other colorful sentiment of frustration, it bore the need to vent irritation with the refreshing power of laughter. As an alternative curse word it was so much more satisfying than those of the four letter variety for both of us.

We celebrated Step 27. We finished! It’s a fine-looking desk and will serve her well. I placed those pictorial directions in the bottom drawer, and hope to the stars and back that I never see them again!