Month: May 2015

What’s with those annoying car alarms? They are always sounding off around 5:00 a.m. or during Mass, or practically anytime you really don’t want them too. The reason I know this is my neighbor’s alarm has given us all a wake up call the last three mornings!

To all you habitual car alarm setters, I don’t think they do what you think they do! They’re suppose to scare off any would be car thief, but we’re so conditioned into believing that the alarm is an accident I’d be surprised if a good Samaritan actually hasn’t helped a car thief get the darn thing shut off and on his merry way in your car!

I don’t use mine. I don’t even know how to set it. What I do know is if I did, I would never figure out how to disarm it, and then I will be one of “those” people! Have you noticed that? Is there a special code, or sequence required to turn it off? Everyone seems to fumble with that part. One click for on, 4 pages of instructions on how to get it off!

Who invented this thing that seemed like a good idea, but had unintended consequences? Well, it turns out it was a convict in Denver in 1913. Hmmm….didn’t say what he was in prison for. And how many cars were there in 1913 that stealing them was an issue? Like somebody wouldn’t notice that the only car in the neighborhood was missing and now you’re driving it?! I wasn’t able to find out who decided to make alarms standard in cars today. Probably classified. Who decided it was a good idea to make them so sensitive that if you sneezed while walking by they would start honking and flashing lights as if you had just won a huge jackpot in Vegas, only you didn’t! You did win the stares of passersby judging you for not knowing how to disarm your alarm. “It’s not my car!!!!”

My son and I accidentally discovered a very effective anti-theft device. Of course it only works if you are short, which fortunately I am. Too bad for you. When Ben graduated from college he and I packed up his car with all his college belongings and set off for home, via Washington D.C. I figured I’d be doing most of the driving and he would do the navigating. He’s quite good with maps. So, I put the seat where I needed it to be and then packed, shoved, and squeezed things into the back seat and trunk. What was left over got left behind. When we ran into car trouble in North Carolina we stopped at the service center at Wal-Mart. Have you ever noticed how tall people are in North Carolina? Giant-like really and they insisted that I could not drive that car into their service bay. They had to do it. Not going to happen! Oh, they tried, but I’m 5 ft tall.  There wasn’t a single guy in that shop that was under 6 ft and that seat wasn’t going to budge back for nothing! Nobody could get in it! Rules are rules, so they worked on that car right where I left it. Out in the hot, steamy sun! As long as the thief is taller than you are and you’re using your back seat as a storage unit, you are golden!

My suggestion, get The Club, or get a club. Worked for Teddy Roosevelt. The first option is less confrontational, the second more satisfying. Probably more prudent to go with the first. Hey, this is America. Do what you will, but if your alarm goes off by accident, and it will, I reserve my right to roll my eyes at you.

I asked my son the other day, “Is this it? Is it starting?” His answer, “Yes.”  The beginning of the rainy season! I’ve been noticing for the last several weeks big, fluffy thunderheads building over the Everglades, but each one seemed to get swallowed up over the swamp leaving Naples a bit more muggy in the afternoon, yet still thirsty. Now those clouds are getting pushed a bit further west and the afternoons are punctuated with red exclamation points on the Weather Channel, warning of heavy rain and thunderstorms!

When you grow up in the west, thunderstorms are usually reserved for midsummer monsoons and rain is always welcome, unless you’ve planned a picnic, bike race, outdoor wedding, or something else along those lines. Here in Florida the rain has an entire season named after it. Of course, part of that season it has to share with its big brother….”Hurricane Season”, but since we are still a few weeks away from that I’m just going to focus on the “Rainy Season”.

Florida can get some serious rain! No, I mean it! It falls in curtains! Heavy, shimmery, dark silver curtains, determined to cut off all visibility! No windshield wiper has yet been invented that can keep up with it. I’ve been caught on the road during several of these outbursts of nature vs man. They are terrifying! No less so than driving in a blizzard! Perhaps a bit less slippery. You’re more likely to end up off the road here in the rain because you couldn’t see it and randomly drove off instead of sliding off in the snow, because suddenly your car has just given up on the idea of ever finding any traction. The end result is roughly the same.

Having had these white knuckle, fail to breathe until you’re about to pass out experiences on the highway during Florida’s rainy season before, the beginning of this season brings with it much trepidation for me. When I see those red “heavy rain” warnings I check the clock and determine if I can run my errands and be home before it begins. If not, errands will wait for another day! Us westerners moved east are a tough lot, but we’re not foolish!

Floridians talk about water a lot. Have you ever seen an aerial map of Florida, or even just looked out the window of an airplane on your way to Orlando or Miami? This state doesn’t appear to have any shortage of water. It’s everywhere! Ponds, lakes, rivers, bays, Atlantic, Gulf, canals, and swamps. Everywhere! What’s not on the ground is in the air! So, when they talk about the need to conserve water us western transplants wonder, what are they talking about? What are they doing with all that water? You want to see a lack of water, check the desert southwest!! When they say no water, they mean No Water!!!

The natives here are glad to see the return of the rainy season. The grass is greener, the trees happier, and the air heavier. Folks may not like the mosquitos it brings with it, or the sauna like days, but water is life and we’re all grateful for that. Gazing out the window I notice, here we go again.